We find ourselves amidst a family of around 100 or so small blue brothers and one sexed-up sister living under the benevolent rule of Papa (!) They inhabit a kind of socialist rural utopia accessible only through a Matrix-like portal. It's a Yankee Doodle Cuba but with CGI enhanced indicators of joy, co-operation and isolationist prosperity. In true totalitarian form each Smurf is named after their most salient and indeed only personal feature: Passive Aggressive Smurf for example.
There is never any mention or evidence of a mother (besides the offspring of course) and we later find out that the only sister (Smurfette) was in her infancy a kind of temptress created (again miraculously and immaculately) by the evil wizard Gargamel (an incredibly offensive caricature of the Evil Jew is the classic Shylock tradition replete with elongated nose, hunchback, over-the-top Yiddish accent and of course greedy misanthropy) in a plot to destroy the Smurfs. It's a twisted mash-up of the Creation Myth, Mein Kampf and the Bay of Pigs.
Failing in his genocide, Gargamel abandons Smurfette who is taking in by the forgiving Smurfs. After a procedure is performed privately by Papa involving "spells and potions", "Fette" as she is called once, is transformed from Whore to Virgin. Later on in the film however it is clear that the brothers remain wanton and a inevitable incestuous gang rape somewhere down the line is hinted at when the prepubescent girls skirts blow up about her a la Marilyn Monroe and the brothers buckle in their lust. We join the story as the evil Jew succeeds in destroying the Smurfs idyllic village and chases them out to the streets of where else: New York City.
Gargamels obsessive motivation here is to extract the essence of the Smurfs (a kind of fountain of youth/energy drink/amphetamine) in a dungeon he has made in Central Park. This obsession is mirrored in the sub-plot (thrown in for the grown-ups) which trots out a busty cosmetics CEO presently launching a massive ad campaign for a real-to-life anti-aging product. To sex things things up even more I guess, Gargamel is particularly interested in the young Smurfette whom he also wishes to rape. It is clear that everyone wants to rape Smurfette. A cursory swathe of internet porn confirms this. Great.
Once exiled to the Big Apple, the Smurfs quickly win the hearts of a hip young couple (a closeted homosexual Ad Man in full swing of imminent fatherhood panic and a crisis of conscience attributed in the film to his inner aesthetic struggles at the agency, but more likely attributable to his habitual late night cock-sucking and the accidental knocking up of his skinny white beard, and his aforementioned pregnant but emaciated wife who appears to suffer from fetal alcohol spectral disorder).
Anyway, I've already spent too much time on this: after Papa Smurf is tortured so graphically I had to turn away only to see the horrified look in my kids eyes (poor Papa is electrocuted, burned with a crack pipe (?) and even at one point appears to be waterboarded) he is ultimately rescued by Brainy Smurf, some Belgian cartoons, a water portal, Clumsy Smurf (the fool done good: Forest Gump/Homer Simpson/George Bush et al.) and the Ad Queen. Over the credits and the God forsaken music we learn that of course everything works out fine and go fuck yourself you already paid 15 bucks no refund.
One of the worst movies ever made: unforgivably cynical, crass, pandering, illiterate and awful. I would literally rather eat my own shit than watch it again. I would enjoy the shit eating knowing that the alternative would be so much more embittering.
